Options
by Viresse430
Summary: Sylarmance!  Sylar is out in the wonderful world of dating!
1. FEMALE OPTIONS

AN: This is a Sylarmance! Okay, it's a parody Sylarmance. This came into my head at work, so I just thought I should share. Oh, and later chapters will have Parody!Slash, so if you can't even take that much, just read this first one. But seriously, who doesn't love disturbing mock-pairing? Well, some people…whatever. Just read. Or not.

One day Sylar was scrolling through Heroes fanfiction and it finally occurred to him: a lot of fanfic writers can't spell for beans. It also occurred to him that although there was a plethora (big word that didn't come from the thesaurus) of Sylaire (SylarxClaire) fics, there were very few of SylarxOther. No, not OCs. Even Sylar fears a Mary Sue. It was just sad that the only Sylarmance he got was with an underage cheerleader. He's freakin' Sylar! He's not a touchy-feely-chipper-happy monogamous person! It was at that moment, he realized he had to get back in the Game. The Game. Not the crappy CW show, but _The Game_.

So Sylar did that really-careful-combing-hair thing that he does, put on a nice sweater-vest and went out into the dating world.

OPTION #1-Niki Sanders

Niki was hot. Well not really 'hot', she was kind of old-looking and sort of emaciated, but compared to the rest of the 18+ women of Heroes, she was hot.

Sylar found Niki at Victoria's Secret, in the fitting room. He was kicked through the door and halfway across the store.

"Wanna go out with me?" He asked, and pulled out the now smashed rose he had bought all for her.

"I'm married." She said.

Sylar's heart was torn asunder, and he thought he might die.

"And you're creepy." She added.

"Please, haven't you hurt me enough?" He begged. So Sylar ran off, sobbing, unaware that if he had killed DL he would have a pretty good shot with her.

OPTION#2-Simone Deveaux, or Devereaux. Or whatever she feels like.

Simone was…well…she was…she had money?

So Sylar went on his merry way to wherever it was that Simone lived and knocked on the door. She answered and did not kick him. He was off to a good start.

"Wanna go out with me?" He asked, holding the smashed rose that he got all just for her once Niki turned him down. Sort of. She didn't actually say No. And Sylar has yet to realize this.

"Actually, I'm already dating a guy and cheating on him."

"What? But…" And Sylar was speechless, the rending of his soul to painful for words.

"Who are you?" She asked, unlucky to have not had the Sylar Experience.

"I AM SYLAR!"

And he sliced open her head and did something with her brain, but was disappointed when he didn't get her totally awesome power, because she was a muggle…uh non-powerfied person.

OPTION#3-Audrey Hanson

Audrey was…female. At least, he thought she was female. He couldn't be sure. So he followed her to the restroom and looked over the stall…

And she was pointing a gun at him. And still had pants on.

"Why did you follow me? You some kind of perv?"

"No. Wanna go out with me?"

"What? No!"

"Really? I am Teh HAWTNESS!"

"You spy on me in the restroom and then ask me out!? You're psycho."

"But underneath this psychopathic exterior there is a sad little mama's boy."

"That ain't helping your case."

"Oh. Well under _that_ is a narcissistic, psychopathic, OCD freak."

"Get out of here!"

Sylar's hear was again, ruptured beyond repair and he slunk off into sadness.

OPTION #4…

He couldn't remember Option 4

OPTION#5-Eden McCain aka Sarah Ellis

Eden was cute. Unfortunately, she wanted to kill him and he kind of killed her before. Or she shot herself. But it's still all the same. So Sylar went to her grave.

"Wanna go out with me?"

"No" Wrote itself in blood on her tombstone.

"Why?"

"Duh"

"Because I made you have to kill yourself?"

"Bingo. Oh, and I hate you."

"So?"

"Hate/Love doesn't work outside fanfics."

"This is a fanfic."

"Damn."

"So? Wanna go out?"

"I'm a little dead today, come back tomorrow."

"Okay! Woo!" Sylar was very pleased, until he realized she would be dead tomorrow as well. So, having a tiny moment of humanity, he left the smashed rose on her grave.

"I'll never forget you, girl with short hair."

"My name is written on the frickin' tombstone!"

"Sarah. I'll always love you. I'll never let go. I'll wait for you."

"Uh…"

"I'll get you back!"

And with that he ran off like a girl. To return to the dating world.

Once Sylar was gone, Charlie Andrew's tombstone bled.

"He forgot me!"

"How sad." Eden bled back.

"But my power was super eidetic memory…"

"Ironic."

"You're just happy cuz you have a date!"

"Yay me."


	2. SLASH OPTIONS

1After his third date with Dead!Eden, Sylar thought he needed space. And what better way than to date someone new. Unfortunately, he had tried all of the women he knew. So he went back to his trusty fanfiction and browsed. There he saw it: Mylar. MohinderxSylar. Now, Mohinder did have beautiful hair and Sylar had never tried Slash...

SLASH!OPTION #1-Mohinder Suresh

Sylar showed up at Mohinder's apartment with a dozen roses. Why a dozen when he gave his gff (girlfriend forever) one? Because he was feeling the romance!

Mohinder opened the door, saw the roses and shut it. But Sylar knew how a Sylarmance works. He kicked open the door.

"Go out with ME!" He decreed in that deadly, creepy way that totally says "do it or die".

Mohinder looked at his broken door, at the roses, then out the window at some slutty broad jogging for attention, then back at Sylar.

"No."

"But why?"

"I'm not gay."

"But this is _fanfiction_, everyone can be gay!"

_(AN: Even Dean Winchester? Come on people.)_

"No."

"But we are such an awesomely adowable couple!"

"If I were gay I could do way better than you. I'd go for Nathan Petrelli."

And then Sylar was devastated. He threw the roses on the ground and stormed out in tears. Amidst his grief, Sylar thought of his next option.

SLASH!OPTION #2-Nathan Petrelli

Nathan Petrelli. He's a politician, he's got a great smile and flying power. Sylar couldn't think of anyone more perfect. But alas! On Nathan's website (and Myspace) it says that he is...MARRIED! So Sylar shuffled him to the bottom of the Slash!Candidates.

SLASH!OPTION #3-Peter Petrelli

Peter Petrelli. Definitely teh hawtness! And unmarried! Plus, the whole hate/love had worked awesomely with Dead!Eden.

Much delighted, Sylar went looking for Peter. It wasn't hard, he only had to find the guy jumping off random tall buildings. Well...the first three guys were just suicidal, but the fourth was Peter.

Like the gentleman he was, Sylar flung Peter into a wall.

"I have one question." He said villainly. (Yes villainly)

"What?"

"Do ya think I'm sexy?"

At this point Peter fainted, but no one was surprised; this tends to happen.

"What did I do wrong? Was I too sexy?" Sylar seriously considered the fact that his awesome homemade vest was just too sezzy for the likes of Peter Petrelli.

While Sylar puzzled out what went wrong, Peter ran away. When he came to a consensus that it was a combination of sexy! manly! And Peter's natural tendency to pass out- he realized Peter was gone.

Sylar fell to the ground clutching his heart, praying for death, but he knew he must go on...that and Peter hadn't actually said no.

Yes, He realizes this about Peter and not about Niki. Figure that out.

SLASH!OPTION #4-Matt Parkman.

Too icky even for Sylar. Last resort.

SLASH!OPTION #5-The Haitian

The whole power canceling was a buzzkill.

SLASH!OPTION #6-Cheerleader's Dad a.k.a. Mr. Bennet

...Nah that wouldn't be HOTXHOTXHOT!ACTION! For the fangirls.

SLASH!OPTION #7-Ted Sprague

Mysterious, tragic and sexy! Okay...maybe just the first two...but looks don't matter to SYLAR! He's freaking SYLAR!

Ted was being transported by the FBI, but Sylar knew the Route because he is the awesomeness and the FBI has nothing on him. Actually, Sylar considered himself somewhat of a ROXXOR! So he makes the Fibbi vehicle do a nice little flip upside-down and then slides it across the street because SYLAR! Is too freakin' awesome to walk. He flings the doors open and...

"GO OUT WITH ME!" No chance for denial here.

Ted stared at him.

"What?"

"GO OUT WITH ME!" Maybe Ted was a little deaf.

"I don't think so."

"WHY!?"

"First off, you talk in all caps and that bugs the crap out of me."

"Sorry."

"Second, if I were gonna have a slash pairing even though I am _clearly_ straight, it would have to be with Matt Parkman. He is teh sezzyness!"

"But he's chubby!"

"So? More-"

Sylar could take it no more. He cut open Ted like he was a can of tuna, and took out his brain, which he then so carefully placed in his lunch pail. All the while crying like a little girl.

SLASH!OPTION #8-Hiro Nakamura and Ando Masahashi

Yes both of them. Because what fangirl would mind a little three-way SLASH! action. Plus Ando wasn't too interesting if there was no Hiro. They were like an oreo, can't really have one part without the other. Except Hiro was more like the awesome filling, and Ando was like the boring outside that is only okay when it has the filling. Or with milk. But that's just complicating the analogy too much.

Hiro and Ando were standing in a comic book store, arguing capes vs. no capes. Sylar was definitely a cape man himself, but he didn't want to piss off half of his future bff (boyfriend forever, not best friend. Because Sylar doesn't need any frickin' friends!).

"Hello." He said, trying to be friendly, but just being creepy.

"Syral!" Hiro cried.

"What?"

"OMG! Hiro, it's Sylar! Kill him!" Ando squealed. "I don't wanna die before I get the internet stripper's autograph!"

"Syral!" Hiro repeated.

"Sy-lar." Sylar said slowly, half of bff had to know how to pronounce his name.

"Oh sorry. Sy-lar. Right?" Hiro asked hopefully.

"That's right!" And they hugged and laughed and were so happy.

"Hiro! That's Sylar!"

Hiro jumped back as if Sylar were on fire, which he actually was because he had eaten his lunch earlier and had acquired Ted's explode-y ability.

"Oops." He turned it off because he is so WAY-AWESOMELY better at controlling his stolen powers than Peter Petrelli.

"I must kill you!" Hiro cried. Actually cried, like sobbing, cried.

"Then do it. Or I'll have to kill you. You know, I think we've been here before."

Hiro nodded.

"So, wanna go out with me?"

"Go where?" Hiro was so cute and innocent.

"Like dating."

"No! I am a-straight."

Sylar shook his head sadly. Who were they fooling?

"We're not gay!" Ando protested.

"Sure..."

"I watch internet stripping!"

"I liked Charlie!"

"And Michael Jackson got married, so? Wanna go out?"

Hiro looked at Ando, and Sylar knew he was going to say yes. Until they both disappeared.

But Sylar did not cry. He knew they needed time to face their inner gay.

SLASH!OPTION #9-DL Hawkins

Sylar has jungle fever!

Sylar found DL bleeding to death. Again.

"Wanna go out, homeboy?" Sylar asked all cooly.

"I'm not gay." Was becoming the mantra of the day. People needed to have a more open mind.

"Come on, it will be fun, fo' shizzle."

"What are you saying?"

"Come on, g. Let's go out."

So DL phased through the ground and was gone.

Sylar knew it never would have worked. Mom wouldn't have approved. They were from different worlds.

SLASH!OPTION #10-"Claude Rains" a.k.a. the "Invisible Man" a.k.a. "the Doctor"

Oh Claude...he had that accent, and the mystery...and that hobo look totally worked on him. They would be perfect for each other.

Only, he couldn't find Claude. He tried the heartbeat detecting, but since he didn't know if Claude's heart beat any differently than the other several billion hearts on the planet...it wasn't easy to find him. So, dejected, Sylar had to move onto the last option in his list.

SLASH!OPTION #11-Dead!Isaac Mendez

Dead had worked before.

Sylar went to Dead!Isaac's grave and put a rose on it. The rose flew off.

"But I just wanna talk!" Sylar pleaded.

"No! You two-timing slut! Eden _told_ me you were dating her!"

"But I'm over her! I want you!"

"No and no. I'm already seeing Ted!"

"But he said he wanted Parkman!"

"That was before you killed him. There's a whole lot less to choose from when you're dead. Mostly everyone has hooked up already."

_(AN: Oh the blasphemy...)_

"But...but...I love you Isaac! The way you died, so courageous!"

"Yeah well...you're eyebrows are freaky and I would never ever ever date you."

"Not even tomorrow?" Sylar tried the Eden route.

"No. Me and Ted are going to an Elvis concert."

"Elvis is dead."

"..."

"Ted...I mean Isaac-"

"You can't even remember which scummy looking guy I am! Get out of here! I hate you!"

And so Sylar ran off wailing and cursing the fanfiction world for introducing the Slash!idea into his overloaded head. ...then went and bought roses because Eden was gonna be _pissed_...


	3. SEASON TWO OPTIONS

AN: A year since the last chapter?? That's crazy. Anyway, been busy with the stupid job and all, oh and the whole addition of a boyfriend kinda takes up time too. So, there is my half-assed apology for the long delayed update. Second anyway, the lack of Heroes (CURSE THE WRITER'S STRIKE!!) has sort of messed with my inspiration so I have no idea if this one will be any good, but I will certainly try. (I'm writing it as I go, cross your fingers)

SEASON TWO OPTIONS!

As stated before, Sylar is not the monogamous sort. (what badguy is?) So Season Two rolls around and Sylar feels the need for some 'variety'. After all, it wouldn't be _seemly_ for an omnipotent villain to exclusively date a minor (dead) character. So once more Sylar ventures out into the wonderful world of dating. This time without the aid of fanfiction...

OPTION 1-MAYA (MAZHA) HERRERA

Actually, at first Sylar thought her name was Mazha, since that's the way her fruity brother said it, but he did a quick little check on Wikipedia and it was definitely Maya.

It was easy to track her down since she had the black oil and the FBI...oops. I meant since there was a trail of weird massacres in her wake. If she kept killing at that rate, Sylar wouldn't need a partner...ewww! Massacres get him all HOT!

So he followed her into the Mexican version of Dairy Queen. Leche Queeno. (check out my Spanish)

"You want some fries to go with that shake?" He asked, using his best pick-up line.

She stared blankly at him.

"I said, you want some fries to go with that shake?"

She stared some more.

"Uh, did it hurt?"

She stared.

"You know, when you fell from Heaven?"

More staring, and she has some creepy eyes.

"You should be arrested-"

At that line her eyes went all black and everyone started dying.

"Crap! She has the Black Oil!" Sylar said, dying.

Unfortunately, no one in Leceh Queeno spoke English, so they just thought she was a demon, not an alien-possessed weirdo.

Suddenly Alejandro comes out of the bathroom and does his whammy and everyone lives.

"Anti-kill power? That's stupid. But it could come in handy if I forget out anniversary." Sylar said as he cut open Alejandro's skull to get to the juicy brains on the inside. Once he was done eating, he turned to Maya.

"_Wanna go out? You're teh hawtness and I can totally help you with your power!"_ He said in Spanish, because he learned Spanish from Rosetta Stone while he was eating her brother's brain in front of her.

"OK_!_" She said, since she was ridiculously stupid.

And they skipped off into the sunset. Until four hours later when she got on his nerves and he ate her brain.

OPTION 2: MONICA DAWSON

Sylar considered this option for a few seconds before ruling her out as too boring.

OPTION 3: ELLE BISHOP

She was crazy, she was sadistic, and yet...he didn't feel the chemistry, no he did not. On paper they were perfect: both outcasts with loony parents, both psychotic, both TEH SEZZY1!, but still he felt there would be more chemistry with a doorknob. So he simply ate her brain and went onto Option 4.

OPTION 4: TAKEZO KENSEI aka ADAM MONROE

Perfect! A SLASH alliance of the two greatest Heroes Villains!

So Sylar went to the graveyard and started to dig him up.

"Excuse me?" Eden's tombstone bled.

"What now? You're always nagging me!" He threw a shovelful of dirt at the stone.

"You're gonna cheat on me right here? While I'm watching?"

"Technically your eyes have rotted out so you can't see anything." She really did get on his nerves.

"I'm a ghost, idiot. Dead!Eden, not Zombie!Eden."

"Look it's not you-"

"Oh shut up. I'm already cheating on you with Papa Suresh. Go have your Slash affair."

Sylar cried a single tear. Eden just rolled over in her grave and ignored him.

At last Sylar got to the bottom and opened the coffin. It was empty.

Sylar howled at the moon in his sorrow.

"You're a little late. My latest bride has already dug me up." Adam Kensei Takezo Monroe said.

"But I LOVE you!" Sylar whined.

"Sorry, taken."

"But she's like five!" Sylar cried, glaring at Dakota Fanning.

"I live forever, I need one with some shelf life."

Sylar burst into tears and sissy ran out of the cemetery.

"What? This show is MEANT for Pedophilia! Come on, the little high school cheerleader sex symbol? That hawt little Micah and Molly? Yeah." AKTM walked away holding hands with his newest bride.

Now, at his point Sylar was beginning to think that it wasn't him. He was beautiful with powerful eyebrows and a perfectly rodential quality. It was the season two characters. They were all really just filler characters. They couldn't even contend with the likes of Simone and Isaac. Sylarmance is too good for filler characters. But he was running out of Options. He would have to boldly go where everyone has been before...the geriatric characters...

AN2: Sorry this one wasn't funny, just filler like the characters in it. But the next one will hopefully be disturbing enough to make up for it.


End file.
